I may never send that letter to you, because I’m bad at mailing things. I just forget. I’m bad at writing letters, too, because I never know what to say. But I think I know what to say here.
No one close to me knows how much you mean to me. And I hope you never discover that these ‘letters’ were meant for you.
I can feel it all coming on, like an avalanche. Or being buried alive. I had a fantasy once that I could just sneak into the forest by my house, dig myself a grave, bury myself, and just fade away. It isn’t much of a fantasy to regular people, but it’s a fantasy to me.
I had a dream the other night that I threw a fit in class and started crying in front of everyone. And they were all just staring at me. And one of the teachers was yelling an making me feel bad. And he was there.
In the dream, I talked to him after that happened, because I felt like he saw how messed up I really am. And he was sweet, like he always is.
I missed him when I woke up. I don’t like when he appears in my dreams. I wish he would stop.
I hope you’re having a nice day, though. And I hope he had fun at the dance. Most of the time I hate thinking about him with someone else, but right now I’m just hoping he had fun with his friends and maybe he talked to a cute boy and is happy. Because the universe knows that even when I am profoundly unhappy, I still wish he’s okay.
And even when I feel like dying, I hope he can still be happy without me. No matter how much I miss him.
I’m sorry. This letter was for you but now it’s just become about him. I thought about writing letters like this for him, but I already feel pathetic enough thinking about him all the time.
Anyway, I am in the bath. I always make the water too hot and that makes me sweat, and I don’t like sweating. It makes me sticky, and I don’t like being sticky. Which is why I don’t like to sleep either, because I sweat then, too.
I’m using a bath bomb called ‘Love’, and it’s making me think about how much I would like to take a bath with someone.
I think I should stop writing now because this didn’t go the way that I planned and now I am just tired and sad. I didn’t take my medication yet today, and my head is starting to hurt, and I almost started crying because I was thinking too much.
I promise I’ll write you a better letter soon, because you deserve nice letters on cute stationary that make you smile.