Journal Entry: #302

There’s a kind of saying. I can’t remember how it goes, really, something like, “If the people in your life want to be with you, then they will make an effort to stay.” What am I supposed to do? If I have nobody like that?

Jace and I hopped around in puddles yesterday. It wasn’t really anything special. We weren’t smiling, we weren’t like little happy five year olds that you’d expect us to be hopping in puddles.

It was just an excuse to get out of the house. That’s all we’ve been doing lately, separate or together. Avoiding home. There’s no home for us to go to, really. Jace goes to Eli’s. I know it’s tough for him to spend time around his best friend, because when he does he’s tempted to spill his guts. But what happens if he does? I don’t like keeping my feelings bottled up, so I find a way to get it out. But JC is too young to go to clubs and get drunk.

Sometimes when they do something nice for us, make us feel loved, like we’re wanted in a family that wants nothing to do with kids who feel the way we do, it makes me happy. That’s the only time I’m happy. But I’m sad, too. I don’t know, I can’t figure it out. I’m torn in two directions at one time, and it’s tough. I don’t want to downsize my own feelings, but I know Jace is getting it ten times worse. He has my shadow to fill, because our parents feel like I have something to show and he doesn’t. He wants their attention, but he wants mine, too, and he wants Eli’s. There’s so many people he’s trying to please, and it’s hard to see him hurting so bad, but I have people I want to please, too. Because these people are the people that I know will get me out of here, if I dare.

Jace has what he needs, I know that. He has Eli. I can tell, when I see them laughing it up and acting like nothing’s wrong, that if Eli even had a hint, he’d take good care of Jace. Eli is the green light that I need.

There are people like that who exist. Jace has found who he’s going to have to lean on when I leave. The puzzle piece I need to find is hiding, but it’s not right under my nose. I turn eighteen in three months. I can make a break for it then, finally get my sunrise.

But I just need to know, if I go looking, are there really people like that? Because I don’t want to let everything go and look for something more worth while to hold onto, to know that that’s all I had, and I’ll never get it back. I just have to know. Eli can’t be the only one. I can’t be the only one.

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