okay

I’m starting to feel okay without you.
I don’t know when I began to realize.
Now that I do, I begin to feel more free.

anD m0r3 Con_fu5eD

Advertisements

palpitate

this will never go away,
i know with certainty.

when i see the way
your hair begins to curl
as it’s growing out.
the way you look,
i remember your smell.
the feeling of you in
my heart.
beside me.

my heart will always
beat for you.
my soul will always
shine for you.
i will always
feel for you.

these palpitations will
never leave me alone.
no matter how much i
want them to.

May 26th

Dear friend,

I may never send that letter to you, because I’m bad at mailing things. I just forget. I’m bad at writing letters, too, because I never know what to say. But I think I know what to say here.

No one close to me knows how much you mean to me. And I hope you never discover that these ‘letters’ were meant for you.

I can feel it all coming on, like an avalanche. Or being buried alive. I had a fantasy once that I could just sneak into the forest by my house, dig myself a grave, bury myself, and just fade away. It isn’t much of a fantasy to regular people, but it’s a fantasy to me.

I had a dream the other night that I threw a fit in class and started crying in front of everyone. And they were all just staring at me. And one of the teachers was yelling an making me feel bad. And he was there.

In the dream, I talked to him after that happened, because I felt like he saw how messed up I really am. And he was sweet, like he always is.

I missed him when I woke up. I don’t like when he appears in my dreams. I wish he would stop.

I hope you’re having a nice day, though. And I hope he had fun at the dance. Most of the time I hate thinking about him with someone else, but right now I’m just hoping he had fun with his friends and maybe he talked to a cute boy and is happy. Because the universe knows that even when I am profoundly unhappy, I still wish he’s okay.

And even when I feel like dying, I hope he can still be happy without me. No matter how much I miss him.

I’m sorry. This letter was for you but now it’s just become about him. I thought about writing letters like this for him, but I already feel pathetic enough thinking about him all the time.

Anyway, I am in the bath. I always make the water too hot and that makes me sweat, and I don’t like sweating. It makes me sticky, and I don’t like being sticky. Which is why I don’t like to sleep either, because I sweat then, too.

I’m using a bath bomb called ‘Love’, and it’s making me think about how much I would like to take a bath with someone.

I think I should stop writing now because this didn’t go the way that I planned and now I am just tired and sad. I didn’t take my medication yet today, and my head is starting to hurt, and I almost started crying because I was thinking too much.

I promise I’ll write you a better letter soon, because you deserve nice letters on cute stationary that make you smile.

Love, Sol.

Hello Moon

Hello, Moon,
bright and blue.
Stars shine bright
just for you.

Hello, moonlight,
soft and kind,
to keep me company
this lonely night.

Hello, moonshine.
Sweet as bitter wine.
To the stars on my tongue,
I whisper of a dream
as I let sleep come.

opening

[PRESS PLAY]

there is no light in this
place where i reside.
my eyes go black and
there
is
only
condemnation.

can you imagine being devoid?
a soul like nothingness.

what allows you to imagine?
what allows you to wonder?

[PRESS REWIND]

once i had felt the light.
once i was the light.
now i am lost, eyeless.
if only i could unsee.
if only i could unspeak.

what to do when such
secrets blind you, silence you.

[FORWARD TO THE FALL]

i thought i was sunlight.
i thought i was kind.
now i understand
i understand.

nothing can be undone.
it can only be remade.

danger

you want to believe they will grow to miss you. you know you are wrong when you say they will realize what they let go. they never made a mistake; you didn’t either. it was a flame meant to suffocate. while you got hit with the explosion, they had lit the fuse. they were walking away and left you to pick up the mess that was made. what pieces of belief you had were shattered; you worked so hard to put them together. soon, your skin will harden to protect those parts of you that are so naive. bombs will fall around you, and you will get knocked off your feet. but the more they happen, the stronger you will grow, and the easier it will be to pick yourself up off the floor. this is what life is. this is the danger of love. this is the danger of hope. this is the danger of trusting anyone besides yourself. you can’t even do that anymore, though.
you will grow.